Thursday, June 17, 2010
My life will never be the same. I started writing this the day little sweet Alexis adoption was final and I was unable to finish and have tried many of times and just have not been able to do it. I have had little reminders that I haven't blogged but knew I wanted to write down my feelings but have not been able too. We just arranged to see Allie this weekend so I hope my excitement will help cover my sadness a bit. A day does not go by that we do not talk about Allie. She is so much part of our lives. My heart is always heavy with a deep sadness. They said it would get easier well it hasn't. I go through the day where I feel I can't breathe or my heart feels like it skips a beat. I walk around not feeling whole. The only time I feel complete is when we get to see her and I can hold her close. It has been over 2 months since we have seen her. Every where we go and everything we do we talk about her. The only thing that brings me a bit of comfort is knowing she is with her Mommy and Daddy and siblings who love her as much as we do. I am thankful her family understands her. They understood when she cried and held her. I didn't have to worry about someone just ignoring why she was crying. Yes she was a bit spoiled from being held so much but it was real and the separation was real in her heart and they understood that and comforted her. She has been such a gift to us that I will never be able to put into words and I cannot imagine her not being in our lives. I try not to bug them to see her but I can't tell you the joy that she brings to our lives and the comfort she brings getting to see her. I usually wait until I hear Jon say something where I think it may be helpful for them for us to pick her up. I know I should not feel guilty for asking to see her. I know they take trips and go out so they are okay with being a part but I just hate interrupting their lives so I try to keep my distance but that little angel has part of my heart, okay all of it. I had someone ask me with all the emptiness and sadness I feel sometimes if I had it to do over again would I? Ummmm ya. I cannot imagine not having her in our lives. I know we all have had to adjust but we did a great thing and I do find comfort in that. When I see sadness in my children's eyes it makes me sad. But now they know what a difference people can make in someones lives. I love that little girl more then I can ever put into words and we are sooooo excited to see her this weekend. I love the smiles my family gets on their faces just knowing we get to see her. I have soooooooo many emotions and feelings and thoughts that I need to write but I think that will be a different time and place. I love our little Pookie, my heart, my love.